To test or not to test

I want to go and get a pregnancy test and do it early just to see, if maybe there is something happening. My app (see "there's an app for that") is telling me wait 5 days or the result is more likely to be a false negative. I know this, I know how the test works and that time is needed to let the hormone build up. It’s quite late and I would have to drive to a chemist to get a test, but I have considered getting out of my pyjamas and going for a drive to buy a test (I just asked the Husband and his response started with "we talked about this...")

I’m a little impatient at times. Like at Christmas when I badger the Husband for weeks for hints about my present, and then I wake up earlier than my kids on Christmas day, giddy with excitement. Not about my presents (which are usually delightfully quirky and thoughtfully chosen by the Husband) but about the Bright Spark and the Little Prince finding Santa’s surprises under the tree. I was beaten out of bed last Christmas by the Bright Spark who I recall having a 4 am start (it being summer the sun was not too far behind him), but every other year I have been laying away in bed waiting to hear the pitter-patter of little feet through the house.

Patience is something I have had to practice as I have gotten older; Patience with my students, definitely patience with my children. For me patience is part of compassion. To show compassion towards my children I am patient with them, even when in my head I am screaming “hurry up” or “no you can’t …”. That inner voice is sometimes hard to keep inside and when it is let out I become “grumpy mummy”. The Bright Spark is now at an age where he can identify the presence of grumpy mummy and when he realises he deploys grumpy mummy deflection devices like “quiet” and “best behaviour”. This happened on our regular Sunday morning outing last week to our local farmers market. The Husband had been sick and I was a bit over my two delightful children (which is usually related to the amount of sleep I have not managed to get or the level of distraction of the Bright Spark) with whom I’d been spending lots of quantity time as the Husband spent time in bed. Anyway, as the Bright Spark dawdled his way into the car and through the process of putting his seatbelt on grumpy mummy appeared and shouted at him to put his seatbelt on. Before we got to the second corner of our journey he was telling the Little Prince to keep quiet so grumpy mummy wouldn’t shout. This was a time when I should have been a little more patient. But as I am a fantastic mum, and not a perfect one I can forgive myself for this small slip in my patience.

But the thing I am impatient about now is getting pregnant. And the stupid thing about it is this; this is our first month of trying. But I am in that final week of my cycle when it too early to test and I read every little creak and niggle of my uterus as a sign; A sign of an oncoming period or maybe implantation. And I’m not even sure if it was a good idea to start trying this cycle. We’ve got our first family holiday as a family of four planned for next month. This would most likely coincide with the beginning of morning sickness (as it has with my other pregnancies), and the idea of being in a car for 12 hours each way, with the three people I love the most in the world, while nauseous every waking hour of the day is not really my idea of fun. And (a little selfishly, I know) if I do conceive this cycle there is a very real chance I will have to share my birthday month with a much wanted child. My birthday is really the last thing that is mine. I share most things in my life (often including a shower and my food) and I would like my birthday to stay my own. So there will be silver linings to not really getting started this month. It will also mean I will not be spending the last term of teaching my year 12 students exhausted and felling like I might need to vomit at any time, which would also make life a little easier.

But knowing if this is the start of a new journey is what I am impatient for. I want to know whether I am on the count down to that intoxicating day when I get to bring a new person in to the world and meet them for the first time. That fresh newborn smell and those perfect little features. I want to see the faces on my boys when they meet the newest member of their family for the first time. I want to see the Husband bursting with pride (and probably anxiety) at the tiny little package that is half him and half me. Waiting to find out is like waiting to read the next chapter of the story that is my family and my life.

So I have to wait and not be too impatient. A little like putting down a good book so I can go to sleep (also something I have trouble with) I need to be patient and show some self-compassion – the hardest kind I think.